Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
