Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
