drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
