I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
