She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
