I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
