I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
