I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
