Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
