you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
