I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Randomize
