She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
