I like to think it a success when the cops are called
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
