If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
