Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
