Your face is a jimmy john
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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