Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
