her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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