Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
