Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
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