That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
