woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
