Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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