forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
