I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
