Pants 0. Shit 1.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
