My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
