people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
