A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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