An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
