What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
