Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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