T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
