So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
