Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
