omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
