how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
