I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
