My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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