she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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