I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
