just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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