Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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