I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
