dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
