why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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