I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
