You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Enjoy the penises
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
