The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
