everyone is single if you try hard enough
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
