someone threw a dead crab at me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
