Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
