That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
