No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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